Nothing's been right lately. Been getting sleepless nights and all that crappy stuff that follows it. Now it seem as though those people nearest to me are distancing out. I don't belong, anywhere. What am I supposed to be? What am I living for? What is the meaning of life? What are friends? What does being loved mean? What does loving another person mean? I'm so confused now. Freaked out. He's no longer the same. Sometimes I'm wondering whether he meant the things he have said. Whether my judgement in him is right.

The past keeps hauting me. It's getting more and more often. I'm afraid that it's like a nightmare come alive. Nothing's going right. I thought I've walked out of that dark past of mine, forget it for good. I'm totally wrong. I haven't forget one tiny part of it. It haunts me even worst when I feel alone and abandoned. Just like now. It's a wound that will never heal. No, never. Not in the following ten decades I guess. It's still bleeding, it's a permanent scar that cannot be erased. It'll remain with me forever. Who said that painful memories will fade along with time? It ain't happening for me. It haunts me even worse than before.

Sometimes, I wish that I don't have a dream. In that way, I will never need to worry about not meeting expectations, fufilling them. 'Coz it hurts me just as much. The pressure's crushin'. I ain't sure how long I can hang on for now. Being like this always makes me think whether I do belong to the asylum or maybe one day, I'll be a permanent resident there if my life goes on at this rate.

BUT I DO NOT KNOW WHAT ON EARTH IS TROUBLING ME. NOBODY CAN HELP ME EVEN IF THEY WANT TO. 'COZ I MYSELF DON'T KNOW WHAT'S THE FUCKIN' PROBLEM WITH MYSELF.

If I were a robot, I would just press the self destruct button and end this misery myself.

ransom letter


The world now at large is quite a havoc if you were to ask me for my views of it. Nature destroyed; Mankind slaughtering each other; Poverty; Viruses and the list goes on and on. To me, the world is like having some kind of war. We have indulged ourselves into a era where we have conqured the rest of the animal kingdom, and where bigger opponents like nature and tiny opponents like microorganisms have joined arms to test the vulnerability of mankind. This is due to what is deemed by homosapiens as "intellegence".

However, it seems that we have not learnt our lesson but still continue to go against nature to find new ways to conquer them. I myself don't think that we are the greatest of all organisms that are sharing this world. Cockroaches are in fact the toughest thing I have ever seen. How long have they survived? They are found so many million years ago and yet they are still extant. Do we humans have the capability to survive as long as them? Instead of changing their environment, they adapt to it, do little harm to it as compared to us. What did we do? We urbanized the place, adapted the place so that it is "fit for living" and try to appear urbane.

In times of survival, our primative side soon reveal itself. It is not an unproven fact though. The Haiti earthquake opened a window to us, revealed to us that however much we think we have change is totally irrelavent when it comes to our own survival. So does that mean that we are back to square one despite all those technological advancement so on and so forth? Maybe not.

It is true that we have developed into a creature that can think, share and express their views with the means of communication through body language, speech, expressions. So what do all those mean? They mean to me a more sedentary lifestyle, degration of natural survival instincts like the ability to feel that an earthquake is coming; sharp hearing and good eyesight; stamina... This might just be the cost we have paid for the kind of us we are now.

Is this change a good or a bad thing? I myself struggle to come up with a conclusion.

ransom letter


I've realised that I'm missing out alot of things in life. I always had that perception that friends now are enough. I guess I'm wrong. I looked back in time, at my past memories and wondered why I have not cherished them as much as I have now. I notices that I neglected the many friends that I have had. Why wasn't I a little more outspoken and cheerful the way I am now. Will I always remain the person that I am and used to be? Something tells me that I ought to get up and out into the sun, shine the way I am, get in contact with the others. Those that I have not, for years.

ransom letter